


Straightforward Idiot

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Even Numbers [35]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Ben Hargreeves Deserves Better, Canon Compliant, Diego Hargreeves is Bad at Feelings, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Good Parent Grace Hargreeves, Humor, Klaus Hargreeves Needs Help, Light Angst, Mentioned Allison Hargreeves, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, Pre-Canon, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: Picking up Diego’s landline, Eudora spotted an E carved into the table. That was absolutely adorable, but also insane. What was it with this man and his knives? He probably slept with them in his bed when Eudora wasn’t there. Were the knives Diego’s mistress or was Eudora? “Hello.”“Dieg-“ after his brain had taken a second to catch up, Klaus realised that that voice definitely wasn’t Diego’s.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Eudora Patch & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Even Numbers [35]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944895
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	Straightforward Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> Like always, these are written from the character’s subjective viewpoints :P

Whilst Diego was in the shower, Eudora took it upon herself to remove all of the knives from the various walls. It was astounding that such a mommy’s boy would care so little about defacing them. “I bet you didn’t do this as a kid...” Eudora muttered, imagining Diego getting literally tortured for such a thing. She had a good mind to go to the academy and tattle on Diego to his mom, Grace would make him behave. At least Eudora thought so, she wasn’t able to meet her boyfriend’s mom. Apparently Grace wasn’t allowed to set foot off the grounds, which was devastating for Diego. Eudora pitied Grace... she must feel so isolated, even as a robot.

Climbing onto the couch to yank a knife from the ceiling, Eudora grimaced at the spider that he’d clearly aimed at. She’d leave that knife there, Diego could deal with that creepy crawly’s corpse. Did he really have to use a knife for that task? Anything else would’ve sufficed. His power often made him exceptionally lazy, using it as a shortcut for everything he possibly could. Utilizing standing on the couch as a vantage point, Eudora scanned the room for any more daggers. There didn’t seem to be any more, but Eudora knew she’d likely missed one. What the hell did this place look like during the times they’d broken up? Eudora dreaded to imagine it. The apartment must be a death trap.

The landline began to ring as she jumped back down to the ground. She’d have to answer it, she could hear the shower was still on. Diego was always against her answering his phone, keen to seem mysterious and broody. He’d never be either of those things, he was a straightforward idiot... Eudora loved that about him though. Picking up the phone, Eudora spotted an E carved into the table. That was absolutely adorable, but also insane. What was it with this man and his knives? He probably slept with them in his bed when Eudora wasn’t there. Were the knives Diego’s mistress or was Eudora? “Hello.”

“Dieg-“ after his brain had taken a second to catch up, Klaus realised that that voice definitely wasn’t Diego’s. Unless there had been some drastic changes since they last met. “Good morni-“

“It’s 5pm.” Ben curtly corrected, even though he was the dead one. The living person should know the time, they had things completely the wrong way around.

“Good...” shit, was 5pm the evening or afternoon? “Is 5pm the evening or afternoon?” Klaus whispered to his brother, who appeared unimpressed with this question. Ben was the one always bitching about Klaus being ignorant, he should be happy to teach him stuff. “It’s the evening, you idiot.” that insult was unnecessary, Ben had far too much hostility for someone so dead. “I know I’m an idiot, but at least I’m not _rude._ ”

That lack of self-awareness was impressive, Ben almost congratulated Klaus. “You make Five look polite.“ Ben deadpanned, remembering how overwhelmingly grouchy that kid was. Occasionally it felt like even their dad had been scared of Five and his fearless insolence. 

Kicking through Ben’s dead dick, Klaus focused back on this ongoing phone call. “Good evening, who the hell are you?” Klaus addressed the mystery lady, assuming Diego had moved again. Diego moved almost as much as Klaus, and he moved roughly twice a month. Sometimes it felt like their brother might be changing address so frequently purely to get away from Klaus. 

That little conversation was peculiar, since Eudora hadn’t heard anyone but this guy talking. “Who the hell are _you?_ ” Eudora sassily replied, not taking that attitude from a random stranger... or anyone, really. This person was the one who called Diego, he should be the one explaining himself. “Is there a goddamn echo? Do you hear an echo?” the man retaliated, making Eudora scoff with disbelief. Screw this, the shower had stopped now anyway. Shoving the phone onto the carved E, Eudora sauntered over to the bathroom to open the door. “There’s an asshole on the phone.”

There was no uncertainty in Diego’s mind about who that person was. “Did you mention me?” he whispered, to which his girlfriend shook her head. Perfect. “Good, tell him I moved.” Diego decisively instructed, confusing the hell out of Eudora. “He’s my little brother.” he needed to say no more. Due to Diego’s bitter description, Eudora knew exactly how insufferable and destructive Klaus was.

“Sure, I’ll tell him you moved.” Eudora chirpily murmured, ambling back over to the phone. If they weren’t adopted - Eudora would assume being an asshole was in their genes, since Diego was being one too. Placing the phone to her ear, Eudora turned to give Diego a heavenly smile. “Diego just got out the shower, I’ll give him the phone.”

—

Pretending to read a magazine, Eudora was nosily listening to her boyfriend’s stunted chat. She couldn’t tell what was being discussed, since all Diego kept saying was no. Repeatedly. Like a broken record, only mixing things up with the occasional nope. How did these boys turn out so ill mannered? Grace would’ve taught them better than that. “Fine, just wait there.” Diego eventually agreed, slamming the phone down. 

Tentatively looking up from her magazine, Eudora really needed the intel on what went down. His family were so evasive, Eudora knew almost nothing about them - besides what the press said, but she took all of that with a pinch of salt. She had constant curiosity about all of his siblings. “What’re you doing?” Eudora asked, confused as to why Diego was randomly unplugging the VHS player. She’d bet money on that thing having knife marks on it too.

“Junkie-proofing the apartment.” Diego threw the pawnable VHS player around the corner and onto his bed. Eudora gave him a disapproving face for throwing it, like every time he used his power out of laziness. Why would he make the effort to walk places if he could just throw shit? “You’re the one who wouldn’t lie to him.” Diego threw a series of expensive knives into his bedroom wall, aware some always went missing when Klaus came over. Putting his foot on the couch to grab the knife from the ceiling, Diego changed his mind and stepped back down. He was embarrassingly afraid of spiders, he didn’t want to deal with that unnerving creature. The latter half of that was coincidentally how he felt about Klaus.

Who did Diego think he was kidding? His fear of that insect was blatant, Eudora was baffled he thought he was playing it cool. “I couldn’t lie to him, Diego. What if he was in trouble and needed to contact you?” Eudora knew how fiercely protective Diego was of his loved ones, regardless of how much that particular sibling got on his nerves. As much as Diego complained about Klaus, Eudora was conscious that her boyfriend wanted to help him.

“He’s always in trouble.” Diego scoffed, unable to recall a time where Klaus hadn’t been in constant torment. Clearing the bathroom cabinet of anything remotely medicinal, Diego didn’t even trust him with goddamn Tylenol. He’d still take it on the off chance it’d make him high, that was why mom had had to put a lock on the academy infirmary. Eudora didn’t understand their dynamic, she couldn’t understand. Her family weren’t assholes. They literally had a white picket fence, whereas the Hargreeves siblings were forced to climb over barbed-wire fences in training. 

When several bottles of rattling pills flew past her, Eudora wished she could throw things too. Directly at her boyfriend. “Exactly, he needs you.” Coming across a picture of Diego’s sister in the magazine, Eudora felt bombarded by these people. Allison seemed mesmerizing though, she’d been Eudora’s favorite as a child. Diego hated that fact with a passion, so naturally Eudora brought it up as frequently as possible. At least her favorite hadn’t been Luther, that would’ve been a dealbreaker for Diego. “Are you sure he can’t talk to dead people anymore? I heard him talking to a ghost.” Eudora hastily hid the article of Allison when Diego returned to the room.

“It’s not a ghost, he’s just weird as hell.” Diego peered over Eudora’s shoulder, interested in what she was suspiciously covering up. Was that goddamn Allison?! Snatching the magazine, Diego rolled his eyes at his sister’s fake smile. She was as miserable as the rest of them. Huffily passing it back to Eudora, Diego braced himself for picking up Klaus. “He makes all of my senses hurt, you don’t know how it feels.” Diego whined, having no words to accurately express how overwhelming every element of his brother was. His girlfriend was right though, he couldn’t bring himself to cut Klaus off. They were brothers, and Klaus was a mess.

—

Honking the horn to let Klaus know he was here, Diego wanted to scratch the E from that table. Eudora wasn’t the one who had to be around Klaus, she didn’t know how tiring it was. Why didn’t Diego genuinley move? He should’ve moved. Unlocking the doors when Klaus got near, Diego locked them again as soon as his brother’s hand touched the handle. That was hilarious, he could do this all day. “Are you eight?!” Klaus complained, stubbornly trying to open the locked door.

Apologetically holding his hands up, Diego unlocked the doors once more. And then immediately locked them again. His brother childishly kicked the car, which made Diego furious, even if his car was older than the US constitution. “Who’s eight now, dipshit?!” Diego leaned through the window, gently smacking Klaus across his irritating head. His current outfit was a perfect example of Klaus making Diego’s eyes burn. How many colors could one person wear at once? It was like a rainbow had thrown up on him.

Smacking Diego back, Klaus kicked the shitty car again too whilst he was at it. “Open the goddamn doors!” Klaus leaned through the window to press the lock, purposefully getting as close to Diego as possible, purely to make him uncomfortable. “Move before I stab you.” Diego droned, shoving him back out of the car. Finally having the doors unlocked, Klaus decided to get in the front so he could remain next to Diego. Why did he always sit with Ben when this option made Diego so much more irritated? That was such an oversight, Klaus was ashamed with himself for not doing this before now. 

Hell no, Diego wasn’t sitting next to him. “Nope. No. The back. Get in the back.” Diego gestured for Klaus to move, already stressed by having him at such a close distance. His obnoxious volume was too loud even from the backseat, this would be straight up torturous. “I can’t get in the back, I’m allergic to the back.” Klaus chuckled, comfortably lounging in his uninvited seat. Whilst Diego could easily drag the scrawny idiot from the car, that would cause even more dramatics. Klaus brought enough of that as it was. Cursing like a sailor under his breath, Diego regretfully set onto the road. Things could be worse, it could be Luther. 

Cranking the window down even further, Diego felt like he was inhaling pure alcohol. Actual bottles of liquor smelled less alcoholic than Klaus did right now. “Just being near you’s making me drunk, I’m gonna get a DUI.” Diego muttered, considering spraying anti-freeze on Klaus to overpower the stench of booze. He’d probably just drink the goddamn anti-freeze. It smelt like Klaus had doused himself in rubbing alcohol, it was assaulting Diego’s nostrils. Why did Eudora answer the phone?!

“Alcoholism isn’t contagious, genius. Anyways,” Klaus whistled a note that felt like shards of glass in Diego’s ears. Wow, he’d managed to inflict suffering on all of Diego’s senses in less than five minutes. “I don’t think your lady cop likes me.” his brother drawled, as if being disliked was an unusual occurrence in Klaus’ life. Diego would’ve been flabbergasted if Eudora had came away from that conversation liking Klaus. He would’ve had second thoughts about their relationship if she had.

“Nobody likes you.” Ben and Diego remarked in unison. It felt so good for Ben when Diego backed him up. They were on the same wavelength about a lot of things, which was depressing, since Diego didn’t believe in Ben’s existence as a ghost. It was impossible not to resent Klaus for the rightful distrust everyone treated him with. Ben was the one who had to pay for it, not Klaus.

—

Excitedly rushing through Diego’s door, Klaus moaned with disappointment when there was no sign of his elusive girlfriend. “Did she leave?!” Honestly, Klaus had kind of been wondering if she was actually real. If they hadn’t bickered over the phone, Klaus would’ve felt she was a figment of Diego’s imagination. Like how Ben was supposedly imaginary, according to Diego.

How many times did Diego have to explain to Klaus that he was never ever meeting Eudora? Not only would Klaus cause chaos and alarm Eudora, he’d intentionally humiliate Diego too. The _“he made me lick a battery”_ event would definitely come up. His brother just couldn’t let that prank go, he needed to move on. “Yeah, my cop girlfriend left, but I can get her to come back if you want?” Diego patronizingly suggested, knowing Klaus would have a chargeable amount of narcotics in his possession. That quickly shut his brother up, making him shiftily look up at the ceiling. 

Ew, was that a murdered spider?! What the hell was wrong with Diego, why did he solve everything with knives? Vanya would be sobbing if she saw this scene, she’d be inconsolable. They’d have to increase her medication. “I’ll pay you to get rid of it.” Diego offered with a grimace, almost as pale as when he sees a needle. Batman wasn’t scared of spiders, this fear didn’t match that whole bravado. This new knowledge should be fun for Klaus.

“Pay me up front.” Klaus beckoned for the cash, clearly up to something. Both of Ben’s brothers were equally as stupid, since Diego didn’t seem to realise that Klaus was plotting mischief. Ben knew precisely what he was going to do. He was going to chase Diego with the spider.

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote this after season 1 I just used it as an excuse to write Diego and Eudora bc I love them. I hope we see alternate Eudora in season 3!!!


End file.
